


I will light myself on fire

by elliot_cant_write



Category: Turn (TV 2014)
Genre: F/F, Takes place in season four after Ben tries to get Mary to spy for him
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-07-25
Updated: 2017-07-25
Packaged: 2018-12-06 17:35:31
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,470
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11605527
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/elliot_cant_write/pseuds/elliot_cant_write
Summary: Mary has been doing what everyone else wanted her to do for ages now. Anna seems to be the only one who understands.





	I will light myself on fire

'Benjamin Tallmadge is horrible', Mary thought, pushing past a crowd of soldiers. She could feel all of them looking at her with those awful, filthy looks. A few months ago she would have cared; she would have glared at them and pretend that she herself did not feel dirty because of them. But she was tired. Fighting hardly seemed worth the effort.

Mary caught a glance of some blue uniform and felt her anger at Ben reintensify. How could he? How could he think that it was his place to tell her not to worry about her husband? She had given everything for Abe. She had put up with his affairs, him putting both her and their child in danger, him forcing their entire family from their house, and every other awful thing he had done to her in the years they had been married. Mary deserved to know where he was and what he was doing. And how dare Ben think, after everything, that he had any right to make her do things for him? He had lost any right to her will when he refused to answer her questions.

"Hey, Mary? Is everything alright?" Caleb. Mary didn't want to see him. Not then.

"Please forgive me," She pushed past him as well. She liked Caleb, really. But she was angry at Ben and couldn't help but lash out at his best friend. It was awful, but she couldn't help herself. Mary Woodhull was not a good person. She had not been in awhile.

There was a noticable change between where Mary was supposed to be and where she wasn't. The area the women and children resided in felt much more helpless than anywhere else at camp. Mary found herself resenting it and resenting Ben for sending her there. Why couldn't she be free to walk around where ever she pleased? Why was Anna always valued so much more than her?

Mary trasped back to her poor-excuse for a home, where Thomas waited for his mother. With that woman. The woman Ben wanted her to spy on.

Mary caught her eye, feeling tears start to burn in her own. She would not cry here. Not in front of all these women who were holding themselves together so much better than she was.

"Mrs. Smith," Anne Bates stood up, dusting off her skirt even though both she and Mary knew there was no escaping the filth of the camp. “I trust everything went well?”

“Yes,” Mary said quickly, worried that her voice might shake and give her away. “Ms. Barnes, could you please keep an eye on Thomas for a bit longer? I am so sorry to burden you, but there is one other thing I must do.”

“It’s not a burden at all,” Anne said, her eyes drifting down to where Thomas knelt, drawing doodles on a chalk board. “

She met Mary’s gaze questioningly, but Mary shook her head. “Thank you so much.”  
Mary turned around, closing her eyes and willing her tears to vanish. She had kept this up for a few minutes. She could hold on for a few more.

She cut across the camp, doing her best to avoid looking at anyone directly. She knew that Ben wanted her to avoid anything that would put her under focus. This was the minimum she was willing to do.

The ground was still soft from the recent rain and Mary felt mud splatter up the back of her sock as she turned the corner by Anna’s little stand. She wiped at her eyes, trying to clear away the few tears that had run down her cheeks. “Anna?”

“Mary?” The other woman sounded startled, not that Mary could blame her. She had been nothing but harsh to her the whole time they had been there. All because she couldn’t help but blame the poor girl for what Abe had done. “Are you alright?”

Mary swallowed. “Can we talk?”

“Of course,” Anna briefly spoke to one of the other women before setting down her apporon. “Can we step away?”

Mary nodded, following Anna to her own tent. Hers was nicer than Mary’s. She tried not to be upset about that. She failed.

Anna turned around, seeming like she wanted to say something but she stopped. “Oh, Mary.”

“I’m sorry,” She choked out. “I’m so, so sorry.”

Anna gently took her arm, guiding her into the tent. “Here, come sit down. We can talk inside.”

Mary sat down on a pile of pillows set right inside the door and Anna sat next to her. “I can’t spy on her Anna, I just can’t. All she wants to do is protect her husband; how can I put her in danger when she and I want the exact same thing?” Mary’s chest felt crushingly empty. She buried her face in her hands, willing herself to calm down. To not make a fool of herself in front of Anna.

“Ben is not being reasonable,” Anna said firmly, and Mary felt the other woman’s hand rest on her shoulder. “I told him as much after you left. You are not one of his soldiers, he cannot expect you to do what he wants.”

“Do I have any excuse not to though?” Mary didn’t want to look up, but she knew that she had to. The only thing she had any control over at the point was her dignity, and she refused to lose that more so than she already had. “I never wanted to be a part of any of this. I wanted to get married, start a family, and lead a happy life. But now I have shot a man who I should be on the same side of and I am living in what should be the enemy camp because those I thought I was one of want to kill me. I am just as much a part of this as any of the rest of you; there is no reason I should refuse to help.”

“You never chose to be a part of this. You were forced here by circumstances outside of any of our control. You have a right to boundaries.” Anna carefully ran her fingers through Mary’s hair and Mary unconsciously shifted towards her. She had felt so alone ever since getting here. Talking felt...right. Anna was the closest she could get to somebody who knew what she was going through. She had to ask.

“Did Abe ever truly love me?”

“Please, Mary.” Anna pulled away and Mary found herself longing for the warmth of another body. “You do not want to do this.”

“I need to know.” Mary felt tears welling up in her eyes again. “Did he love me? Or was it always you or somebody else. I’m even beginning to worry about Robert at this point. Please.”

There were a few seconds of heavily charged silence before Anna spoke. “I have no way of knowing. But if it is a comfort to you, I do not believe that he loved me.”

“That is nothing but a lie and you know it,” Mary snapped, all of her other emotions suddenly dried up and replaced with anger. “You are so much better than me in every way. Your loyalties haven’t changed; you manage on your own. You are part of a spy ring for Washington, and here I am breaking down inside his camp. How can Abe not have loved you? How can you think-”

She was cut off by Anna leaning forward and capturing her lips in a kiss. Mary felt everything drain out of her.

It wasn’t an awful kiss. Anna’s lips were dry and rough against Mary’s and they were in a cramped tent in a dirty camp that realistically anyone could walk into at any moment, a fact Mary pushed to the back of her mind as she herself pressed into the kiss.

They broke away, both gasping for air. “I apologise,” Anna said breathlessly. “That - that was...a mistake.”

Mary shook her head, feeling her heart sink. “That kind of thing is never a mistake. As I have told Abraham countless times.” Ignoring the hurt that flashed across Anna’s eyes, she stood up, yanking her skirt up and out of the mud. “I apologise, Ms. Strong. I am sure you had many worthier pursuits you could have spent your time on.”

“Mary,” Anna tried, her voice sounding strained against the cold, but Mary didn’t let her continue.

“I must go check on Thomas.” She said firmly. “Thank you, truly, for speaking to me.” She turned her back on the other woman, took a deep breath to compose herself, and walked back into the camp.

Mary wondered if this wasn't her own fault after all. If she wasn't the cause of her own misery.

**Author's Note:**

> You know, I've been planning on writing this modern au think for months now, but instead my first turn fic is something I wrote in like an hour because I was being really emo while doing schoolwork.   
> I don't know if I'm continuing this, but I'm marking it as complete regardless.   
> Thanks for reading.   
> Title came from the song Starchild from Ghost Quartet, by the way.


End file.
